well shit on toast. I want to get stoned but can not cuz I ran out of weed two days ago. I am mired in despair that I do not know how to keep at bay.
I’ve met a kindred spirit recently…which is odd…cuz I am way to old to make friends nowadays. But..it is nice to be validated and not think that you are the only one who has thoughts that are not in the mainstream.
I don’t know what to do. I do not want to live. But I do not wish to die either. I do not know what the fuck I want. I do know this. I want MY life back. I want the girl I used to be back again. I want my own job, my own money, my own fucking car that I paid for without any help from some swinging dick. I know that sounds harsh but goddamn it….it sucks to be dependent on another human being. At their mercy. IF you act right little girl then all is good, you’ll be taken care of…but the minute you step outta fucking line..GTFO or get the fuck out for all you who don’t know those initials. Life’s a bitch it really is. I am so glad that I never had children. I mean it’s a mixed bag NOW that all my friends have grandbabies and are so happy about it.
I have had FIVE abortions. Damn that sucks to write out. I wish I could say that I feel bad about killing my own children but alas, I do not feel bad at all. I wish I could have done something different for sure. But I know in my heart that I would have fucked those kids up beyond all recognition. Not too mention the fact that none of the men I was with during that time period of my life were worth breeding with. They all had kids they didn’t give two shits about already.
To be fair here….2 of those pregnancies were deformed fetuses..Abortion was really the only option unless I wanted to have seriously malformed kids who would need life long care and most like would die before their first birthday anyways.
Ah hell. Self acceptance. I do not accept shit. I do not accept the fact that I suck. But oh well such is life right?