Well today was a shitty day. I finally got to see a doctor (actually a nurse practitioner) for my head space troubles. Mainly, the problem is that I want to kill myself, which I have since oh about 8th grade or so. I am not sure when the problem actually started. I do know that I have not felt like a normal person ever in my whole miserable fucked up life.
So after 30 minutes or so the nurse lady prescribed me something called Latuda for BiPolar Disorder. I took on about 4pm and felt kinda sleepy but weird kind of. It is not almost midnight and I feel pretty drained. Not suicidal not homicidal either. Just HERE. UGH. I don’t think these psyche drugs are the answer anymore than heroin is the answer. Of course if someone knocked on the door right now with a syringe and a bindle of smack I’d be right there with a tourniquet to tie my arm off and shoot that shit so far in my veins that it would make my heart flip right on out.
OH my. I still want dope. I will always want dope. Dope is what keeps the demons at bay. Let’s all hope a couple of weeks on this new shit will help. I am so unhappy in my relationship. I want OUT dammit. I want MY life back, I want money, a car and a place of my own. Or at least a room of my own. That is all. It is not too much to ask is it? It sure seems like it.
I do hope that Tracey calls me tomorrow and tells me that SteelCon wants me to start on Monday at $13 bucks an hour. Please God? I know I don’t believe in you but will you help me anyways?